Happy Birthday, Reed!

On Friday, the 11th, my best friend turned 23! Happy Birthday, Reed!

A few months back, we had decided to go to Nags Head when the rates dropped, which just happened to be on his birthday weekend. So, we left on Thursday morning, and came back Saturday night. We had a such a good time! Reed and I had only been away for 1 night together since our honeymoon (on a mini-trip to Charlottesville earlier this summer, which was also awesome) and we really enjoyed going to the beach together.


The hotel we stayed in had a very large bird named Sabrina that lived in the lobby. She was pretty neat, and the door to her cage was left open. There was a huge sign behind Sabrina, warning us that she bit. But as we walked up to her, she balanced herself on one leg, offering me the other. So, of course, I picked her up and of course, she bit me. The lady at the check in counter yelled at Sabrina and tried to spray her with water so Sabrina would let me go, but she got me instead.


The first night, we spent way too much $$$ on a seafood buffet. We both really wanted to get some good seafood (okay, me more than Reed, but he's a nice guy) though afterwards decided the money would have been better spent at our favorite Italian restaurant here in Lynchburg. You live and learn!

The second day, I woke up to Reed reading his Bible in the corner, and he handed me some coffee when my head popped up. (At home, he hands me tea:) I was enjoying some Food Network while Reed read, and then his phone rang. It was his parents calling to wish him a happy birthday, I could hear over the phone. I felt so terrible! I had forgotten! I mean, I had only been awake for maybe a half an hour, but I had made such a big deal about his birthday the night before. When Reed got off of the phone, he told me that he had forgotten it was his birthday too, until he opened up his Bible reading plan and saw the date. He said maybe if I had read my Bible instead of watching Food Network, I would have remembered too :)

After figuring out that it was Reed's birthday, we went out for a drive. We ate a snack at Duck doughnuts, went to a few shops looking for a charm for my bracelet, and then ate at a local bagel place for lunch. Though it was overcast, we put on our swim suits and hit the beach with our books in hand. We ended up staying much later than we meant to, and both of us are now crispy from the sun that decided to come out.



Toni reading on the beach
Reed reading on the beach


That night we grabbed a pizza for dinner, and hung out in the room. We had planned on going back out and flying kites on the beach, but I had migraine # 1 out of 3 on this short little trip that night, so we just stayed in.

The next morning, after packing up our room and saying goodbye to Sabrina, I had another migraine. I tried to be tough, so we went and got fries after checking out, in spite of the migraine. This was a bad decision, as the fries I ate ended up all over the parking lot in my attempt to throw up in the grass. Ugh.

We had wanted to eat at a pancake house we spotted in town, but I was too scared to eat before we got in the car for 6 hours (during which I had another migraine!!). So, we took some pictures in huge beach chairs instead:









Goodbye Nags Head! We had a great time! We'll be back!

This Momentary Marriage- Piper

A post on this subject, marriage, is daunting to me.

I recently read "This Momentary Marriage" by John Piper, and was comforted by his hesitation to address the subject as well. "I waited 40 years to write this book. There have been so many stresses in our marriage that I felt unfit to write about marriage at 10, 20, or 30 years into it. Now at 40 years, I realize we will never have it all together, so it seemed a good time to speak."

I have only been married for nearly 3, and I don't think I'll have as much wisdom as Piper even when I have been married for 40 years. But I read somewhere when I was first married that we should always be passing on what we have learned; somewhere there is someone who has experienced less than you... even if you have only been married a day longer than your listener.

Of course, there are many aspects to marriage: the practical, the spiritual, the enjoyable, the sacrifice. I just wanted to share a few things I learned, or things that were brought back to my attention, while reading Piper's "This Momentary Marriage."

1) Marriage is a parable, which exists for His glory

This topic alone, and it's implications, could be a book by itself... but I'll keep it short. Piper says throughout his book that, "The ultimate thing we can say about marriage is that it exists for God's glory. That is, it exists to display God. Now we see how: Marriage is patterned after Christ's covenant relationship to his redeemed people, the church. And therefore, the highest meaning and the most ultimate purpose of marriage is to put the covenant relationship of Christ and his church on display. That is why marriage exists. If you are married, that is why you are married. If you hope to be, that should be your dream" (pg.25).

The primary purpose is not for physical or emotional satisfaction, though those things are important and God does use a successful marriage to bless us in these ways. The purpose is not to have a successful financial relationship, to stick around as long as you are 'happy,' or to live together and put on smiling face as long as the kids are in the house, though the world may promote marriage as these things. Marriage is ultimately about living a parable, demonstrating the relationship of our Lord and Savior Christ, and His bride the Church. The conclusions that should be evident in our relationships because of this fact are many: leadership and submition, sacrifice and devotion, respect, honor, and love, delight and joy. How would your marriage look if you, wife, treated your husband the way you would Christ? And how would your marriage look, husband, if you loved and cared for your wife the way Christ does for His bride?

If we are living in our marriage relationships in such a way that we are daily conforming to His will for the relationship, we are learning to portray Christ and the Church to all who view our marriage. By using this aspect of our lives to point to Christ, we glorify Him.

2) Marriage is permanent
This point is a repercussion of the first. If you understand marriage to be a symbol of Christ and His bride, the issue of divorce becomes very clear. When has Christ left His bride? Piper explains, "if Christ ever abandons and discards the church, then a man may divorce his wife. And if the blood-bought church, under the new covenant, ever ceases to be the bride of Christ, then a wife may legitimately divorce her husband. But as long as Christ keeps His covenant with the church, and as long as the church, by the omnipotent grace of God, remains the chosen people of Christ, then the very meaning of marriage will include: What God has joined, only God can separate" (pg. 159).

Piper explains that the only way to truly dissolve a marriage is for one of the two to die, because there is no marriage in heaven (Matt. 22:30). To understand marriage as a permanent thing that only God can dissolve (and on this side of heaven He will not), the words Jesus spoke in Luke make complete sense: “Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery" (Luke 16:18). Jesus is not trying to punish the divorced by saying that their post-divorce relationships are adultery. He is saying that these people are not actually divorced, because marriage only ends upon the death of a spouse! So indeed, it is an adulterous act to wed another while your spouse is still living. (As a side note, of course there are life threatening situations where perhaps grievous sin is being committed in your home, and for safety you cannot live with your spouse. While leaving is not ideal but might be necessary for safety, divorce is not an option.) Piper attempts to address several "What if?" questions in the chapters about divorce. I do not claim to understand it all, nor have an answer for all the questions, and neither does Piper. However, I would encourage you to read the book if you had more questions.

3) Marriage is a covenant

This concept, that marriage is a covenant and not a conditional contract, has a profound impact on the spiritual aspect of marriage, as well as the day to day lives of two sinners struggling to reflect Christ. Because marriage is a covenant, it is permanent, as is Christ's love for the church. It is neither feelings nor actions based, but remains in place in spite of bad emotions or sinful deeds. On a daily basis, this means that both husband and wife are called to remain faithful to their spouse no matter what the other has done. Even beyond remaining faithful, each spouse is called to serve the other in spite of how they feel that day, or if their spouse has been grouchy. While it is difficult to rise above circumstances, and even more difficult sometimes to recognize that our sin is our own responsibility, (even though it might be response to a sinful spouse) we are still called to uphold our end of the covenant and serve our spouse faithfully.

Another wonderful daily benefit about covenant keeping love is that it should banish fear and insecurity. No matter how terribly we acted, or how ashamed we are of something, we can be confident our spouse will not leave, and will accept us with open arms. How comfortable (and comforting) it is to be in fellowship with someone who loves you unconditionally! I know that personally, that is a huge comfort to me. No matter how I look, what I've done or not done, what I've said or not said, I am not just tolerated, but prized by my husband.

Piper explains, "Amazingly, in the very context of the collapse of the covenant between God and man, and the collapse of the marriage covenant between Adam and Eve, God points by His mercy to the redemption that marriage itself is designed to display. God's design for marriage as a display of covenant-keeping mercy was not an afterthought. After the Fall, God did not have to redesign marriage. He knew what He had created in Genesis 2:24. And he knew what would happen in Genesis 3. The design of marriage, the fall of marriage, and the implied redemption of marriage all serve to tell us what marriage is for. Marriage exists to display the merciful covenant-keeping love of Christ and the faithfulness of His bride" (pg. 38).


------------------------------

My marriage is my favorite blessing from God (apart from my salvation) and I am so very aware of how richly He has blessed me. When I walk in the door to a note from my husband, when I am comforted by him through both the tiny and the life-shaking alike, when I am challenged by him to read though the Bible in a year, to post meaningful things on my blog, and to not waste my free time, when I doubt in the future, but can trust God to lead me through the leadership of my husband,and when I lay next to Reed at night in complete comfort and rest, through all these things I am genuinely in awe that this is only a taste of what is to come.

That the Lord loves me more.

That no matter how wonderful my relationship with Reed is, it was designed to portray something greater.

What an awesome responsibility. I am so thankful for the man I share this responsibility with, but even more thankful to the God who designed this for us.

Piper shares hopes that he, "might wake you up to consider a vision of marriage higher and deeper and stronger and more glorious than anything this culture- or perhaps even yourself- ever imagined. The greatness and glory of marriage is beyond our ability to think or feel without divine revelation and without the illumining and awakening work of the Holy Spirit. The world cannot know what marriage is without learning it from God. The natural man does not have the capacities to see or receive or feel the wonder of what God has designed marriage to be. I pray that this book might be used by God to help set your free from small, worldly, culturally contaminated, self-centered, Christ-ignoring, God-neglecting, romance-intoxicated, unbiblical view of marriage" (pg. 21).

What's Next?

Since Reed and I married, we had assumed that post-graduation plans would include Reed working full time, and me continuing my education while I worked for a couple years. Then I would quit my job to become a stay at home mom. But this past year, we have been giving more and more thought to these plans. Two major problems with it were 1) Reed wanted to go into ministry, and so he needed to continue his education, and 2) we wanted to have children a lot sooner!

We first made the decision for me to stay home right after graduation instead of going to work, and began trying for a baby. That was a very easy decision, for both of us! While it hadn't always been that way, and the timing of our family was something we had gone in circles about before, it is amazing to see what the Lord does in each of our hearts when it is His timing! There is no use struggling against your spouse when you disagree about major decisions, the Lord will give peace in time about whatever decision He supports. (That, and the Bible has a lot to say about struggling against your husband- Proverbs 21:19, Ephesians 5:22-23, Colossians 3:18, Ephesians 5:33). When you stop fighting for your will, and submit to God's, you know you are living your life for His glory and not your own. Our first little one will be joining us in January, and we can't wait!

The second decision, about Reed continuing his education, was a little bit more difficult to make. Where would he go? When? What degree would he pursue? Why? Where would he work while in school? We chipped away at these questions one by one, until we finally decided that he would apply to Southern Seminary in Louisville, KY for the fall of 2010. He will pursue his Masters of Divinity, and is seeking to go into full time ministry after graduation. Though Reed will be a full time student, he will also need to be working as close to full time as he can. So, he is hoping to transfer to a Starbucks in KY because of their wonderful insurance, flexible schedules, and his love of coffee :)

So for now, we have both graduated and are working just under full time hours. We are soaking up this time we have as the only two in our family because we know time together will be precious after the baby is born. As excited as we are about baby joining us, we do not want to rush through this precious phase- this school free, child free time. After the baby comes, I will just be working just one of my part time babysitting jobs and will be bringing baby with me. Other than that I'll be home! We will move (Lord willing) to KY in June when our lease here is up, and Reed will begin seminary in the Fall. I hope to find at least 2 children to watch full time in my home, because we won't be able to live on Reed's Starbucks income alone.

So there you go! Our tentative plans for the next year or so. An adventure awaits us!

I'm back!

After a little break from my blog, I am back!

I decided to put the blog aside while I finished up my undergrad degree. And praise the Lord, I finished last Thursday. My hubby finished Thursday, as well! We've been shocked at how much more time we have; neither one of us realized how much time we really spent doing school, thinking about school, worrying about school. In our nearly 7 year relationship, this is the first time we have not been students! I think the feeling of relief is amplified because we're both done.

Other than that big news, I wanted to add an update to the last post before my hiatus. Baby is doing well, and I am nearly 16 weeks along. Next Monday, we find out the sex! I am doing 2x the number of Lovenox injections I did before, which means two shots a day. Surely a pain, but definitely worth it!

I look forward to regularly posting again!

Kerr Baby #2

I am joyous to announce that on Monday, Reed and I found out we are pregnant again! We are so happy that it only took three months since loosing Moriah to conceive again, though at the time it felt like an eternity! We are so very excited, though we are certainly aware of the difficulties that lay ahead due to my clotting condition. For the curious, for our first born boy and girl, we are still going with one of the names we picked out before, either Abel Kenneth or Michaela Reed.

I have already begun my Lovenox injections nightly and am already bruised all over, like in the picture from my previous post. Small price to pay. I have my first appointment tomorrow (high risk pregnancies can't wait the typical 8-10 weeks to go in) and I am eager to hear what the doctor has to say. As for my best guess, baby Kerr is due February 5 but I have recently switched OB/GYN's and she wants to induce about 2 weeks early--- Unless baby experiences intrauterine growth restriction, another negative side effect of my clotting disorder that would cause the induction to be moved up.

Please be praying with us. Obviously we hope that this child will be our first of many to hold, but ultimately we desire for God's will to be done.

Life in Pictures

I realized that I'd like to have more day-to-day things on my blog, as a way to keep my friends/family in touch with what's going on in our lives. I sorted through my recent pictures, and decided on a few that should give a peak into our ever so busy but fulfilling lives :)

Since pregnancy has been a pretty big topic this far in the blog, I'll start there. This is what my poor tummy looked like on one side after maybe three or four of the blood thinning shots I have to give myself while pregnant. Apparently, your whole stomach looks like this by the end of pregnancy. Yikes!




The weekend we lost our little one, we had the wonderful chance to go visit Reed's family in Tennessee. What a great distraction, and chance to be with family as we mourned our baby. We spent some time with Reed's folks, who were in from Korea (we hadn't seen them in a year).









We also met our newborn nephew Anderson and played with his big sis Maddie:



When we got back from Tennessee my brother Clee came to stay with us for a week, while he was on Spring Break. He hung out with Michael, the baby I watch:While Clee was here I took sweet Sophie, one of the other kids I watch, to a birthday party at a local (awesome!) children's museum:


On Easter, Reed, my brother, and I left Lynchburg very early in the morning to make the Easter service at our church in Maryland. Afterwards, my dad, his wife, my mom, Clee, Reed, and myself went out for coffee:
We went to my grandparent's house for Easter dinner before our drive home, but I don't have any pictures. :(

Of course, these pictures are in no way an exhaustive itinerary; I don't have any pictures of us in school, or Reed at work, or me with the other 4 I babysit, or church activities.... etc. I need to break out my camera more often! I will leave you with some cute pictures:

This is a cake I made one night when we had company. I thought it was pretty cute!

This one cracks me up! We have these espresso mugs (that Reed's parents brought us from China) which look like mini coffee mugs. Michael is always trying to grab my coffee out of my hands, so I thought I'd give him a little (empty!) mug of his own. He was having a drool-y day, so it looks like he spilled his drink down the front of his shirt!



Okay, I've got a soft spot for this big, crazy haired baby (and all the kids I watch, really). This is 4 month old Michael working on sitting up. I spend more time with this kid than anyone else in my life... Reed included. He is so precious!

Trying to Conceive

God has been teaching Reed and I so much in these past weeks. It is wonderful to me how God can use one lesson to teach so many different things to my heart. We have gone from trying to praise God through our storm, to knowing and trusting it was all for His glory, then realizing His will is greater than ours. This last lesson is the one I am currently still growing in; acknowledging that God is Lord and I am not is a hard lesson learned for a selfish sinner such as myself.

I find myself thinking about having a baby in the back of my head, this interior monologue that plays throughout my day. "Am I pregnant now? Will I be this month? If I am, when will the baby be born? Will there be complications? Will we lose the next one, too?" I have justified this constant parade of baby-thoughts because I feel that this is now my role in life, to have children, and since it is not going according to my plans, I am trying to plan even more. But no matter how I try to hide what my feelings truly are, I must be honest with myself: my thoughts during the day are nothing more than worry and attempts at control.

This is sin! In Matthew 6:24, the Bible says "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Worrying about tomorrow does nothing but try to take control out of God's hands. By worrying or planning, I will not change a thing. Proverbs 20:24 says, "A man’s steps are from the LORD; how then can man understand his way?"

Not only should I not worry, and not try to over-plan my life, I need to rejoice in the truth that God's knows not only what is best for me, but for His glory! God is an all-knowing God, He alone knows why I am not pregnant. Maybe there is a lesson He wants me to see, a sin I must overcome. Maybe I would become violently ill when pregnant (like my Mom did) and would have to stop working. Maybe we're going to have triplets and we need to save up money first. Maybe He wants us to adopt all of our children and is teaching us patience first. It is not my place to know! My job here is to step out in faith, and trust in the Lord to do what is right.

The purpose of my life is to bring God glory while I am here on earth, and to obey Him in all I do. If the reason I want children is to glorify the Lord, and He would have something else for me in my life right now, than children must not be how He wants glory right now! I do not want my children, before they are even born, to become idols in my heart. God is first; if my heart truly wants children for selfless reasons, then I will be happy to surrender parenthood for God.

I need to step back, and not allow 'trying to conceive' to become my identity. That is not who I am, but a part of it. I will continue to follow my husband's lead and try to start a family unless God makes it obvious that He has some other plan for us. But I will no longer allow a month to feel pointless and wasted if I did not get pregnant. My desire is for Christ, and His best for me, not my best for me.

Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." This verse is not saying that God will give me want I want if I love Him, but that if I love Him, my desires and His will be one in the same. If that is true of my heart, than my desires and Christ's will be one in the same.

Lord, have me desire what it is that YOU want for my life. Allow me to use this time in my life to serve You and others in ways I will not be able to if you bless us with many children. Teach Reed and I what it is we are to learn, and continue to conform our hearts to Yours.