Living in the "Now"

I must admit that I have a problem with focusing on 'now.' I couldn't wait to graduate from high school, and go to college. Then when I went to college, I couldn't wait to get married. When we were married, I couldn't wait to finish school and start a family. Now that I'm pregnant, I'm already looking forward to the next one.

Of course, it is good to anticipate joys in our lives. But I have far too often pushed aside today in my eagerness for some coming event. I am called to glorify God with my living every day, not just with big decisions and big events. My focus was misplaced as I finished high school, came to college, and got married. I should have been seeking to glorify God and enjoy the moments of the phase I was currently in. I truly have been trying to take this lesson to heart with this current season in my life.

Today, my husband and I celebrate an anniversary of sorts-- 7 years ago today he asked me to be his girlfriend. We have spent 7 years being able to spend as much time as we'd like focusing on each other in our relationship. But in 3 months, that is going to change when we bring baby Abel, our first born, home to join our family. As eager as I am for that little one to join us, I am focusing each day on soaking up one on one time with my precious husband. This pregnancy has flown by! I want to be sure I don't miss the wonderful times in this season in my hurry to prepare for and look forward to the next. This re-focusing has made this time alone with my husband so sweet, instead of a time of anxiety.

This lesson is one I am trying to apply to my life in a different way, too. As I mentioned before, Reed and I are planning on moving to Kentucky in less than a year so he can attend Seminary (Lord willing). Knowing that I have such a short time left here in Lynchburg tempts me to close off my heart to those here I love. Since I know I am leaving, why pour into those friendships? Why join another group at church, another study? We're just going to leave, and the more relationships we make, the harder it will be to go. I am already truly heartbroken that we're leaving, why make it worse?

But I can't focus on next year. I am here, Reed is here, because the Lord would have us here now. We are seeking to glorify God wherever we go, whenever He places us there. Since we are in Lynchburg, I am opening my heart to friends here so that we can learn and grow from each other. When we move to Kentucky, we will probably only live there as long as it takes Reed to finish school. But I sure hope to build relationships, pour into the local body of believers, grow and make friendships in those 4 short years. How sad and miserable (not to mention un-Biblical) my life would be if I waited until I thought we'd 'arrived' in life to settle down, make friends, and build relationships.

When we began building a new (precious) friendship here in Lynchburg recently, our new friends jokingly said to Reed and I, "Let's start hanging out a lot, so we'll be really sad when you leave." Every time I think of that, it makes me smile and it makes me sad. But I am willing to be sad when we move to enjoy a godly friendship now!

Each day we have is a gift from God, and I truly hope that I act like that is true. I do not want to fast forward through today just to get to an exciting event, or live my life like I'm just killing time until we arrive at some perfect life circumstance.

Pregnancy Week 21

Abel Kenneth Kerr 16 weeks, 6 days

Wow! I cannot believe that I am already 21 weeks 3 days along. I really feel like the time has flow so far, and I just know the second half will be even quicker since I have Thanksgiving and Christmas to look forward to. I think the last time I blogged about the baby is when I announced I was pregnant! Time for an update.

We found out during week 16 that I am going to be having a little boy, who we have named Abel Kenneth. We also had a scare around that week when my doctors thought that Abel was going to have Spina Bifida. Though Reed and I joyfully submitted to the Lord either way, He saw fit for the test results to come back negative-- no Spina Bifida. In other medical news, I am still giving myself blood thinning injections twice daily, for the safety of both Abel and myself, which I will continue until 6 weeks after the birth (for my own safety).

Through a strange set of circumstances, which was obviously put into motion by God, I will be switching my primary obstetrician. Though I love my doctor, her office is over a half an hour from my house. When I soon begin going weekly for testing, that drive will eat up more time and gas money then I care to think about. However, our insurance did not cover an OB doctor in Lynchburg. This also meant that I would not be delivering at our local hospital. But, at my last visit my doctor decided that Abel and I were too high risk for her little hospital that did not have a NICU, should we need it, and she asked me to find a new doctor. The closest doctor to me that took my insurance and could deliver me at a hospital with a NICU was about an hour an a half away! Even worse for those weekly tests I'm going to need. Then Reed and I remembered that his company was switching insurance companies October 1st! And, the local OB group in Lynchburg would now be covered! So, not only will I be able to deliver here in Lynchburg, but I will also only have to drive about 5 minutes to get to my weekly appointments.

The other development in the pregnancy thus far worth noting is the kidney problem Abel has: hydronephrosis. Because of the high risk nature of my pregnancy, I have to see a Perinatologist in addition to my regular OB. During a sonogram, they discovered that Abel's kidneys appeared bright, and that one of them was swollen with fluid. My doctor said that his kidneys required monitoring, and that if the fluid levels worsen or blockage occurs, Abel will need to be delivered prematurely so that he can have surgery. We have been back for a follow up sonogram once and his kidneys already looked a little better. I will continue to follow up with this doctor so he can monitor Abel's kidneys, though obviously we are praying this issue goes away and our baby will not need surgery!


Abel and Mama, 21 weeks 3 days

Bar-B-Shoot

The Laslie's from our church invited everyone out to their family's farm for a BBQ on this beautiful day. But in addition to the food, they also had a little shooting range set up. I had never been around guns before, and it was pretty neat. It was great to see men and women enjoying something in a safe and respectful way that can be used in such an terrible way when not used properly. The kids even had a chance to shoot because Keith (one of the elders at our church) took the time to brief each child on the safety and responsibility necessary when shooting a gun. What I thought was going to be scary (hearing gun shots all afternoon, with kids running around) turned out to be an educational experience. Reed said that he thinks when children (and grown ups!) have the opportunity to use/see guns in a controlled environment, in real life, it takes away a lot of the misconceptions from TV, and also takes away the fear and mystery behind guns.
The weather was beautiful, the fellowship was encouraging, and the whole thing just felt so Southern to me :) I love, love, love living in Lynchburg and attending church with my family at Redeeming Grace!



The Croteau kids (Danielle and DJ) and myself



Alpacas!!



Ann instructing Danielle how to be a safe gun observer


Do you see his ears? Danielle put the ear muffs on the poor practice deer.




Today was Danielle's 9th birthday! Happy Birthday, Danielle!



Little Libby being cute while her momma and big brothers learned how to shoot.


Libby's brothers, Christopher and Jonathan, (with Ken) recieving a safety lesson from Keith.



Jonathan was so proud after he shot the gun (with Keith's help).



Reed recieving the same lesson from Keith before he shot :) He hit the little target twice! Yay, Reed!

Happy Birthday, Reed!

On Friday, the 11th, my best friend turned 23! Happy Birthday, Reed!

A few months back, we had decided to go to Nags Head when the rates dropped, which just happened to be on his birthday weekend. So, we left on Thursday morning, and came back Saturday night. We had a such a good time! Reed and I had only been away for 1 night together since our honeymoon (on a mini-trip to Charlottesville earlier this summer, which was also awesome) and we really enjoyed going to the beach together.


The hotel we stayed in had a very large bird named Sabrina that lived in the lobby. She was pretty neat, and the door to her cage was left open. There was a huge sign behind Sabrina, warning us that she bit. But as we walked up to her, she balanced herself on one leg, offering me the other. So, of course, I picked her up and of course, she bit me. The lady at the check in counter yelled at Sabrina and tried to spray her with water so Sabrina would let me go, but she got me instead.


The first night, we spent way too much $$$ on a seafood buffet. We both really wanted to get some good seafood (okay, me more than Reed, but he's a nice guy) though afterwards decided the money would have been better spent at our favorite Italian restaurant here in Lynchburg. You live and learn!

The second day, I woke up to Reed reading his Bible in the corner, and he handed me some coffee when my head popped up. (At home, he hands me tea:) I was enjoying some Food Network while Reed read, and then his phone rang. It was his parents calling to wish him a happy birthday, I could hear over the phone. I felt so terrible! I had forgotten! I mean, I had only been awake for maybe a half an hour, but I had made such a big deal about his birthday the night before. When Reed got off of the phone, he told me that he had forgotten it was his birthday too, until he opened up his Bible reading plan and saw the date. He said maybe if I had read my Bible instead of watching Food Network, I would have remembered too :)

After figuring out that it was Reed's birthday, we went out for a drive. We ate a snack at Duck doughnuts, went to a few shops looking for a charm for my bracelet, and then ate at a local bagel place for lunch. Though it was overcast, we put on our swim suits and hit the beach with our books in hand. We ended up staying much later than we meant to, and both of us are now crispy from the sun that decided to come out.



Toni reading on the beach
Reed reading on the beach


That night we grabbed a pizza for dinner, and hung out in the room. We had planned on going back out and flying kites on the beach, but I had migraine # 1 out of 3 on this short little trip that night, so we just stayed in.

The next morning, after packing up our room and saying goodbye to Sabrina, I had another migraine. I tried to be tough, so we went and got fries after checking out, in spite of the migraine. This was a bad decision, as the fries I ate ended up all over the parking lot in my attempt to throw up in the grass. Ugh.

We had wanted to eat at a pancake house we spotted in town, but I was too scared to eat before we got in the car for 6 hours (during which I had another migraine!!). So, we took some pictures in huge beach chairs instead:









Goodbye Nags Head! We had a great time! We'll be back!

This Momentary Marriage- Piper

A post on this subject, marriage, is daunting to me.

I recently read "This Momentary Marriage" by John Piper, and was comforted by his hesitation to address the subject as well. "I waited 40 years to write this book. There have been so many stresses in our marriage that I felt unfit to write about marriage at 10, 20, or 30 years into it. Now at 40 years, I realize we will never have it all together, so it seemed a good time to speak."

I have only been married for nearly 3, and I don't think I'll have as much wisdom as Piper even when I have been married for 40 years. But I read somewhere when I was first married that we should always be passing on what we have learned; somewhere there is someone who has experienced less than you... even if you have only been married a day longer than your listener.

Of course, there are many aspects to marriage: the practical, the spiritual, the enjoyable, the sacrifice. I just wanted to share a few things I learned, or things that were brought back to my attention, while reading Piper's "This Momentary Marriage."

1) Marriage is a parable, which exists for His glory

This topic alone, and it's implications, could be a book by itself... but I'll keep it short. Piper says throughout his book that, "The ultimate thing we can say about marriage is that it exists for God's glory. That is, it exists to display God. Now we see how: Marriage is patterned after Christ's covenant relationship to his redeemed people, the church. And therefore, the highest meaning and the most ultimate purpose of marriage is to put the covenant relationship of Christ and his church on display. That is why marriage exists. If you are married, that is why you are married. If you hope to be, that should be your dream" (pg.25).

The primary purpose is not for physical or emotional satisfaction, though those things are important and God does use a successful marriage to bless us in these ways. The purpose is not to have a successful financial relationship, to stick around as long as you are 'happy,' or to live together and put on smiling face as long as the kids are in the house, though the world may promote marriage as these things. Marriage is ultimately about living a parable, demonstrating the relationship of our Lord and Savior Christ, and His bride the Church. The conclusions that should be evident in our relationships because of this fact are many: leadership and submition, sacrifice and devotion, respect, honor, and love, delight and joy. How would your marriage look if you, wife, treated your husband the way you would Christ? And how would your marriage look, husband, if you loved and cared for your wife the way Christ does for His bride?

If we are living in our marriage relationships in such a way that we are daily conforming to His will for the relationship, we are learning to portray Christ and the Church to all who view our marriage. By using this aspect of our lives to point to Christ, we glorify Him.

2) Marriage is permanent
This point is a repercussion of the first. If you understand marriage to be a symbol of Christ and His bride, the issue of divorce becomes very clear. When has Christ left His bride? Piper explains, "if Christ ever abandons and discards the church, then a man may divorce his wife. And if the blood-bought church, under the new covenant, ever ceases to be the bride of Christ, then a wife may legitimately divorce her husband. But as long as Christ keeps His covenant with the church, and as long as the church, by the omnipotent grace of God, remains the chosen people of Christ, then the very meaning of marriage will include: What God has joined, only God can separate" (pg. 159).

Piper explains that the only way to truly dissolve a marriage is for one of the two to die, because there is no marriage in heaven (Matt. 22:30). To understand marriage as a permanent thing that only God can dissolve (and on this side of heaven He will not), the words Jesus spoke in Luke make complete sense: “Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery" (Luke 16:18). Jesus is not trying to punish the divorced by saying that their post-divorce relationships are adultery. He is saying that these people are not actually divorced, because marriage only ends upon the death of a spouse! So indeed, it is an adulterous act to wed another while your spouse is still living. (As a side note, of course there are life threatening situations where perhaps grievous sin is being committed in your home, and for safety you cannot live with your spouse. While leaving is not ideal but might be necessary for safety, divorce is not an option.) Piper attempts to address several "What if?" questions in the chapters about divorce. I do not claim to understand it all, nor have an answer for all the questions, and neither does Piper. However, I would encourage you to read the book if you had more questions.

3) Marriage is a covenant

This concept, that marriage is a covenant and not a conditional contract, has a profound impact on the spiritual aspect of marriage, as well as the day to day lives of two sinners struggling to reflect Christ. Because marriage is a covenant, it is permanent, as is Christ's love for the church. It is neither feelings nor actions based, but remains in place in spite of bad emotions or sinful deeds. On a daily basis, this means that both husband and wife are called to remain faithful to their spouse no matter what the other has done. Even beyond remaining faithful, each spouse is called to serve the other in spite of how they feel that day, or if their spouse has been grouchy. While it is difficult to rise above circumstances, and even more difficult sometimes to recognize that our sin is our own responsibility, (even though it might be response to a sinful spouse) we are still called to uphold our end of the covenant and serve our spouse faithfully.

Another wonderful daily benefit about covenant keeping love is that it should banish fear and insecurity. No matter how terribly we acted, or how ashamed we are of something, we can be confident our spouse will not leave, and will accept us with open arms. How comfortable (and comforting) it is to be in fellowship with someone who loves you unconditionally! I know that personally, that is a huge comfort to me. No matter how I look, what I've done or not done, what I've said or not said, I am not just tolerated, but prized by my husband.

Piper explains, "Amazingly, in the very context of the collapse of the covenant between God and man, and the collapse of the marriage covenant between Adam and Eve, God points by His mercy to the redemption that marriage itself is designed to display. God's design for marriage as a display of covenant-keeping mercy was not an afterthought. After the Fall, God did not have to redesign marriage. He knew what He had created in Genesis 2:24. And he knew what would happen in Genesis 3. The design of marriage, the fall of marriage, and the implied redemption of marriage all serve to tell us what marriage is for. Marriage exists to display the merciful covenant-keeping love of Christ and the faithfulness of His bride" (pg. 38).


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My marriage is my favorite blessing from God (apart from my salvation) and I am so very aware of how richly He has blessed me. When I walk in the door to a note from my husband, when I am comforted by him through both the tiny and the life-shaking alike, when I am challenged by him to read though the Bible in a year, to post meaningful things on my blog, and to not waste my free time, when I doubt in the future, but can trust God to lead me through the leadership of my husband,and when I lay next to Reed at night in complete comfort and rest, through all these things I am genuinely in awe that this is only a taste of what is to come.

That the Lord loves me more.

That no matter how wonderful my relationship with Reed is, it was designed to portray something greater.

What an awesome responsibility. I am so thankful for the man I share this responsibility with, but even more thankful to the God who designed this for us.

Piper shares hopes that he, "might wake you up to consider a vision of marriage higher and deeper and stronger and more glorious than anything this culture- or perhaps even yourself- ever imagined. The greatness and glory of marriage is beyond our ability to think or feel without divine revelation and without the illumining and awakening work of the Holy Spirit. The world cannot know what marriage is without learning it from God. The natural man does not have the capacities to see or receive or feel the wonder of what God has designed marriage to be. I pray that this book might be used by God to help set your free from small, worldly, culturally contaminated, self-centered, Christ-ignoring, God-neglecting, romance-intoxicated, unbiblical view of marriage" (pg. 21).

What's Next?

Since Reed and I married, we had assumed that post-graduation plans would include Reed working full time, and me continuing my education while I worked for a couple years. Then I would quit my job to become a stay at home mom. But this past year, we have been giving more and more thought to these plans. Two major problems with it were 1) Reed wanted to go into ministry, and so he needed to continue his education, and 2) we wanted to have children a lot sooner!

We first made the decision for me to stay home right after graduation instead of going to work, and began trying for a baby. That was a very easy decision, for both of us! While it hadn't always been that way, and the timing of our family was something we had gone in circles about before, it is amazing to see what the Lord does in each of our hearts when it is His timing! There is no use struggling against your spouse when you disagree about major decisions, the Lord will give peace in time about whatever decision He supports. (That, and the Bible has a lot to say about struggling against your husband- Proverbs 21:19, Ephesians 5:22-23, Colossians 3:18, Ephesians 5:33). When you stop fighting for your will, and submit to God's, you know you are living your life for His glory and not your own. Our first little one will be joining us in January, and we can't wait!

The second decision, about Reed continuing his education, was a little bit more difficult to make. Where would he go? When? What degree would he pursue? Why? Where would he work while in school? We chipped away at these questions one by one, until we finally decided that he would apply to Southern Seminary in Louisville, KY for the fall of 2010. He will pursue his Masters of Divinity, and is seeking to go into full time ministry after graduation. Though Reed will be a full time student, he will also need to be working as close to full time as he can. So, he is hoping to transfer to a Starbucks in KY because of their wonderful insurance, flexible schedules, and his love of coffee :)

So for now, we have both graduated and are working just under full time hours. We are soaking up this time we have as the only two in our family because we know time together will be precious after the baby is born. As excited as we are about baby joining us, we do not want to rush through this precious phase- this school free, child free time. After the baby comes, I will just be working just one of my part time babysitting jobs and will be bringing baby with me. Other than that I'll be home! We will move (Lord willing) to KY in June when our lease here is up, and Reed will begin seminary in the Fall. I hope to find at least 2 children to watch full time in my home, because we won't be able to live on Reed's Starbucks income alone.

So there you go! Our tentative plans for the next year or so. An adventure awaits us!

I'm back!

After a little break from my blog, I am back!

I decided to put the blog aside while I finished up my undergrad degree. And praise the Lord, I finished last Thursday. My hubby finished Thursday, as well! We've been shocked at how much more time we have; neither one of us realized how much time we really spent doing school, thinking about school, worrying about school. In our nearly 7 year relationship, this is the first time we have not been students! I think the feeling of relief is amplified because we're both done.

Other than that big news, I wanted to add an update to the last post before my hiatus. Baby is doing well, and I am nearly 16 weeks along. Next Monday, we find out the sex! I am doing 2x the number of Lovenox injections I did before, which means two shots a day. Surely a pain, but definitely worth it!

I look forward to regularly posting again!